A younger me.

I want to share something with you. About 13 years ago, I was depressed. One of the things, that had led up to this, was that my parents got divorced a few years before this. As these things go, you live with one parent and visit the other one. I chose to live with my mom and visit my dad on the weekends. With time, I started to feel like a chess peice. I started to get the feeling that I was just being placed where people wanted me to be. I would be taken to my dad's house even if I was sick that weekend and just wanted to stay at home. It didn't matter if I was sick, I had to go there. Like I had no choice in the matter. If I had exams, I still had to go there. And that is why I started feeling like a chess piece. And not just any chess piece, a lowly pawn. But I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I didn't want them to worry. I didn't want them to make it all about them. I also didn't them to get cross with me because they thought there might be something wrong with me or I was just looking for attention. I once asked my dad about me going to a "mental hospital" because I thought I might end-up there. He said I can't go there because "they are for stupid people" and "the medical-aid won't pay for it anyway." I eventually got hold of SADAG and went to some of the meetings. But one of the meetings was during the week. My mom doesn't like driving at night so she refused to take me. I got very upset with her and told her "I am just trying to get some help!" And she said "This isn't an Asperger's thing." The strange thing is that I have never wanted to die. I am affraid of dying. I just didn't want to feel like that anymore. I didn't want to feel like a pawn anymore. I didn't want to feel like I was holding back the entire human race the whole time. I didn't want people to say "Good. Now that she's dead, we can finally move on." I was tired of feeling "convenient" for people.

I tried a psychologist, but that just made me feel worse because it was draining the medical aid funds and I wasn't getting any better. In a "last ditch attempt" to help myself, I went to a chatroom. My thinking was that "No body is listening to me here. Let me go somewhere where there are lots of people. Someone has to listen to me there."

I did eventually find someone who listened to me.